Month: May 2015

Why i choose not to run?

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The night was young. I was well rested. Slightly hungry, but I was ready to embark on my 2nd run for the day.

My route was plotted. My friends were ready to assist me should I got into trouble.

However, at the last possible moment, I called it off.

There were very reasonable reasons why this run was actually a bad idea. Gawai festivities had started. Roads will be full of drivers who may have drank, or people who are rushing home to their kampungs.

I will be also going on a long hike tomorrow. A slip due to fatigue will not look good, especially if the way out involves a boat ride.

This will also be the 2nd last weekend I have before committing to my ultra plan. 16 weeks of training, and another 16 weeks after that when I signed up for TNF100 Thailand.

A call of good judgement, one might say.

But is it really?

Funny how so many reasons would appear when I decide to back out of a plan. Excuses would be a harsher, but honest, word. It was as if my mind was trying it’s best to convince that it is perfectly fine to skip a pre-determined plan. And that I should sit right with it.

But is that really so? Was I afraid that this one run would be an indication of complacency? Or that I may not have the full mental capacity of overcoming obstacles? Does it reflect that I am an individual who curates excuses and strongly defend them?

Perhaps.

There was one last excuse though. KFC was right next to the toilet when I was about to change into my running attire.

Yes, I think it was KFC which changed my mind.

Dammit KFC.

Why don’t you give up when it hurts?

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100km isn’t a short distance. And when you are running that distance,  you get to discover who you are and what you are truly made of.

One of the hardest (and scariest!) thing that you will come across is your own personal demons. Those insecurities that you brushed off on a normal day, hiding behind a fluctuant mask. The little goblins that whisper, you will never make it. The banshees that cries out from the pain of your calves, and howling that this is not worth it.

And when you are alone, plunged into darkness, that is where the true battle begins. All those past hurts and rejections will try to poison your mind to end this torture.

When you decide to embrace these hard facts and negativity,  you have a choice. To either lay in the ruins of your shattered self, or to realise that these are the things that make you who you are today, and you would not be on this journey if you have not gone through all of the trials.

And when you refuse to give up, something amazing happens. This is a choice, and the choice of turning them into fuel is the option I took to finish my first ultramarathon.

You do not reject the pain, you welcome it. You savour the sweet ache. Tasting the pain and turning them into the very energy you need. It is proof that you are alive, and as long as you have a single breath, that is a reason to put your foot in front of the other.

And when 2 steps turn into a stride, and a stride transform to a run, it will be only a matter of time before the finish line appears. That is when you know, that the choices you make have brought you to that point.